It's after 2 a.m. and I'm up because I can't sleep. I've been journaling periodically in a - surprise - journal. But I find it tiresome to keep up with. I'm going to try to use this blog to post what I'm thinking or feeling, and maybe it will work out better.
I'm not going to give my history because I don't think this blog will be read by anyone else. I know my history. But I am keeping a count of days. So, Robbie moved out 69 days ago. Tomorrow (Friday) will make 10 weeks. Wow. I didn't think I'd make it this long. I haven't really. I'm learning to cope, kind of. I'm tired of the games though and tired of the shit. Unfortunately, my parents figured it out last Saturday, so now my parents know and my sister knows about us being separated. Nobody at all knows about HER, and I'm trying to keep it that way for as long as possible. I still have some delusion that he might come back to me...I know, it's all delusion.
Today I began letting him go. I did really well all day. I didn't text him unless he texted me. I went pretty much the entire day without sending anything, and then he texted me. And after that, I sort of broke my own rule. Not alot, but enough where I should have stopped. I know he probably will never miss me, because he's living with her and he doesn't have time to miss me. But, if I'm not around to talk to, maybe he will realize that he does miss me and doesn't want to lose me. I know, delusions again.
My small issues right now, with him being gone, are all selfish. I don't want to be alone for my birthday. I can't even begin to imagine him taking her to his parents for the holidays, and her sleeping in the bed that he and I have shared for six years down there. The mere thought of it makes me feel sick. I know that's probably stupid and petty, but these are things I've thought about. I want him to come home more than anything - but of course not for these reasons. Those are the secondary reasons. The most basic reasons that I want him to come are home because I think he has an obligation to try to work this out with me. He is my husband, he made a commitment to me. I want him to come home because I love him more than anything in the world. Even after the lies and deceipt and the shit he has put me through, I love him. I'm so stupid and weak, and should have kicked him to the curb a year ago. But I fought hard to have him because he's the only person I have ever TRULY wanted. And I don't want to give him up. I miss his laughter, and the way he makes me laugh. I miss the way I feel when I'm around him. I miss being able to vent to him after a long day, and I miss hearing about his day, too. He says he loves me. He says he misses me. Last night I told him I was sorry that I wasn't enough, and he said that I was. Then why isn't he here with me? I just want one last shot. I feel like we were good together, and we could work on being good together again. Something broke and he took the easy road out and just found someone else to fill that gap. I didn't even know there was a gap because he just went and did his own thing. If I had known two years ago that something was wrong, we might have been able to work on it then. But he felt the best course of action was to go find someone else, lie to me, cheat on me. Seems perfectly logical, right? Yeah...
Anyway, I'm going to try once again to leave him alone. Maybe he will realize he misses me. And, maybe he'll realize that he can live without me. That will be such a big blow to my ego, I can't even describe. But, fuck, my ego is shot anyway. The man I have loved for more years than I can count has been cheating on me for two years. It doesn't do much for the self-esteem. Oh well.
It's really late and I'm not going to want to get up in five hours. But at least tomorrow is Thursday and then I have a four day weekend. To sit around and do nothing by myself. I'm thinking of starting to clean this house from top to bottom, and move some of his stuff into bins or something. I need to make this house mine I think. We'll see how well that works.
I'm going to try to keep up with this. I did fairly well with my journal, but I can write more and faster on here. So we'll see.
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