Who needs therapy?

So...I agreed when my therapist told me today that I needed to not talk to Robbie this weekend.  If he texted me, don't respond.  Fight the urge to call him, talk to him, text him.  Keep myself busy.  Gena said over and over again that I needed to take control because right now he has all the control.  And he does, and I know that.  I don't need Gena to tell me all of this because I know.  And she agreed.  I just can't get my shit together and put my thoughts into action.  I know what I should do, for my own sanity, for my mental health, for me.  I'm worth more than this.  But what I should do and what I do are two different things.  I agree, I'm not going to text him, I'm going to walk away.  But when I get that text from him, all I want to do is respond.  And when he asks do I want to go to Home Depot, every nerve in my body is screaming yes while my brain is saying, you're an idiot!!!  :)  I know.  I am.  It's so fucking frustrating because we joke with each other and have fun when we're together.  It's like we're together...except we're not.  I told him that it seems like he's content with her, the way he talks about her, living with her.  And I told him if he's happy there then I'm happy for him.  Which I am.  I want him to be happy more than anything else.  Even at the expense of my happiness.  But it tears my heart out to think that he's happy there.  I just don't tell him that part.  He says he's content with me because I know everything so it's easy to talk to me.  I wanted to scream!  I've always been easy to talk to, but two years ago when we should have been talking, you went elsewhere!  But I kept my mouth shut.  Anyway, today is 10 weeks.  70 days.  That's like alot of days.  It's alot of days going to bed alone, waking up alone.  More than anything, that's the hardest part I think.  I ignore his stuff - I don't go in his room, I  have no reason to see his clothes or anything.  But the empty side of the bed kills me.  I notice that I keep it filled with stuff so it doesn't feel empty.  Pajamas, pink bunny, book, remote control.  It's all over there.  It's not a big bed, but it's so empty.  I miss everything about him, but him just being here is what I miss the most.  When we were at dinner, I just kept looking at him, his eyes, his mouth, his chest, his arms.  I think he's perfect.  Certainly we fit together perfectly, when we hug, kiss...anyway.  He's perfect to me and I miss him so much.  It's depressing when he drops me off.  He should be staying, not dropping me off.  I don't think he finds me attractive anymore though.  He's not so into kissing me or anything.  It's hard to figure out if it's because he isn't attracted to me, or if he doesn't want to lead me on, if he feels like he's cheating on her.  Maybe it's all three.  Anyways I'm completely rambling.  But I guess that's the point, ramble to myself and not to him.  I don't want him to feel bad.  This is just part of life.  Tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.  Whoever that was - Shakespeare or whoever - I guess he's right.  But it fucking hurts.

I did poorly

Yeah, today didn't go well in the "giving Robbie space" department.  It's just so hard for me, because I WANT to talk to him about my day and stuff.  If something happens, he's the first person that I think, oh I want to tell.  I wish he would just tell me that he doesn't want to come home.  Or else come the fuck home!  I'm tired of sitting, getting anxious, twiddling my thumbs.  I am going to make a concerted effort this weekend (and it's going to be long and I'm going to be home alone alot...) to leave him be.  I'm gonna clean up this disaster of a house.  I don't know what else I'm going to do.  I have therapy tomorrow morning.  I didn't really accomplish anything I was supposed to.  I was supposed to not text Robbie.  I was supposed to talk to him about marriage counseling, which I didn't really give much effort to.  Mostly because I know he doesn't want to go.  I didn't keep my ultimatum, although I'm trying to do that now.  It's just hard because in giving him up, I'm giving up my best friend.  But I don't think I could realistically be just friends with him.  I want him to be happy, but if I'm not the one who can do that for him, I don't think I can be a part of his life.  Which the thought of absolutely kills me.  Anyways, I guess nothing else for tonight.

No willpower

Today has been worse that yesterday.  Yesterday I did so well until the evening.  Today I have already sent several texts that weren't necessary.  About work stuff.  But he's the one I want to tell stuff to.  He's the one I always tell stuff to.  It doesn't help at all when I say that I'm going to walk away and give him space and then I don't.  It's completely mixed messages.  I guess because I'm so conflicted, too.  I don't want to walk away.  But I can't continue to play this game.  He's either mine, or he's not.  There isn't really an in between status.  I really think this is the perfect time to come home, because he starts mids Saturday night, so he won't see me much anyway, and we could gradually get back into stuff.  I don't understand what I did to deserve this.

Only four years since my last post...

It's after 2 a.m. and I'm up because I can't sleep.  I've been journaling periodically in a - surprise - journal.  But I find it tiresome to keep up with.  I'm going to try to use this blog to post what I'm thinking or feeling, and maybe it will work out better. 


I'm not going to give my history because I don't think this blog will be read by anyone else.  I know my history.  But I am keeping a count of days.  So, Robbie moved out 69 days ago.  Tomorrow (Friday) will make 10 weeks.  Wow.  I didn't think I'd make it this long.  I haven't really.  I'm learning to cope, kind of.  I'm tired of the games though and tired of the shit.  Unfortunately, my parents figured it out last Saturday, so now my parents know and my sister knows about us being separated.  Nobody at all knows about HER, and I'm trying to keep it that way for as long as possible.  I still have some delusion that he might come back to me...I know, it's all delusion.


Today I began letting him go.  I did really well all day.  I didn't text him unless he texted me.  I went pretty much the entire day without sending anything, and then he texted me.  And after that, I sort of broke my own rule.  Not alot, but enough where I should have stopped.  I know he probably will never miss me, because he's living with her and he doesn't have time to miss me.  But, if I'm not around to talk to, maybe he will realize that he does miss me and doesn't want to lose me.  I know, delusions again.


My small issues right now, with him being gone, are all selfish.  I don't want to be alone for my birthday.  I can't even begin to imagine him taking her to his parents for the holidays, and her sleeping in the bed that he and I have shared for six years down there.  The mere thought of it makes me feel sick.  I know that's probably stupid and petty, but these are things I've thought about.  I want him to come home more than anything - but of course not for these reasons.  Those are the secondary reasons.  The most basic reasons that I want him to come are home because I think he has an obligation to try to work this out with me.  He is my husband, he made a commitment to me.  I want him to come home because I love him more than anything in the world.  Even after the lies and deceipt and the shit he has put me through, I love him.  I'm so stupid and weak, and should have kicked him to the curb a year ago.  But I fought hard to have him because he's the only person I have ever TRULY wanted.  And I don't want to give him up.  I miss his laughter, and the way he makes me laugh.  I miss the way I feel when I'm around him.  I miss being able to vent to him after a long day, and I miss hearing about his day, too.  He says he loves me.  He says he misses me.  Last night I told him I was sorry that I wasn't enough, and he said that I was.  Then why isn't he here with me?  I just want one last shot.  I feel like we were good together, and we could work on being good together again.  Something broke and he took the easy road out and just found someone else to fill that gap.  I didn't even know there was a gap because he just went and did his own thing.  If I had known two years ago that something was wrong, we might have been able to work on it then.  But he felt the best course of action was to go find someone else, lie to me, cheat on me.  Seems perfectly logical, right?  Yeah...


Anyway, I'm going to try once again to leave him alone.  Maybe he will realize he misses me.  And, maybe he'll realize that he can live without me.  That will be such a big blow to my ego, I can't even describe.  But, fuck, my ego is shot anyway.  The man I have loved for more years than I can count has been cheating on me for two years.  It doesn't do much for the self-esteem.  Oh well.


It's really late and I'm not going to want to get up in five hours.  But at least tomorrow is Thursday and then I have a four day weekend.  To sit around and do nothing by myself.  I'm thinking of starting to clean this house from top to bottom, and move some of his stuff into bins or something.  I need to make this house mine I think.  We'll see how well that works.


I'm going to try to keep up with this.  I did fairly well with my journal, but I can write more and faster on here.  So we'll see.